*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.