I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
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Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?