I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You Might Also Like
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*