3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight