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Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.