Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
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explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
*watches the world burn*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”