Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
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Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
#MeanwhileInCanada
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair