[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
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my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Covid like
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
How to properly lift a body
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.