Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
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My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost