Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
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What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
How actors in movies eat their food
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]