[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
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Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet