Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
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HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Seek kebab; not attention
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili