ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
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[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
HELP 😭
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
🤣✨#caturday
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that