I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
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I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Teach your children to beatbox
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.