Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
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Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*