Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
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That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Golf would be better with landmines.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
birds and squirrels envy us
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”