angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
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I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own