My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.