Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
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you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My sex drive has a dui
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
twitter is a journey
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites