One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
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[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
A new level of troll.