My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
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My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Eat…
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”