“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
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foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser