30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
I identify as an antique shop.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.