do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
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A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.