Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
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friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Harsh but fair