some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
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My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.