A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
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I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.