Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
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merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
It’s a gift
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S