If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
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If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised