[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
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Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Netflix and awkward silence?
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does