Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
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If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I’m about to risk it all
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.