Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
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*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.