If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
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me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Saw online –
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”