My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
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Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Every. Damn. Time.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.