The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend