Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
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Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?