THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
You Might Also Like
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
dam girl
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.