Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
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[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
mumsnet is amazing
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,