When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
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Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
opening twitter today
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.