Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
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Is anyone gonna tell them?
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Very problematic
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Namaste
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …