i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
You Might Also Like
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.