My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
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HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
so weird how every mom was born today
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu