obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
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Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.