You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
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I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Found the job I’m suited for
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Body by cheese-puffs.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.