Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
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grotesque if literal: baby food
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Somebody’s lying.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫