Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
me logging onto twitter
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.