Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
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Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree