With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
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Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
never deleting this app.
dude it’s called proctologist
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO