If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
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My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Fluff me with a fork baby
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?