My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
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Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.